Having a baby and bringing a brand new human into the world is one of the most amazing journeys that you could ever be on. It flips your world upside down in some of the best ways possible. However, I would be remiss to not mention how this drastic change can cause a ripple effect, which ends up affecting other areas of your life as well, specifically your marriage.
Prior to baby #1, it's just you and your spouse. You do what you want to do, when you want to do it. You can 'Netflix and chill' all day, or have a day full of productivity that goes exactly as you originally planned. Being able to schedule and depend on time with your spouse is part of what helps to build the connection that the two of you have, amongst other things.
However, once you convert to a family of 3 (or more), that routine and structure that you could once depend on is completely thrown out the window. You are hit with the tidal wave that is being a new parent, and we often all drown in it for a bit before finally reaching the surface to take a breath.
People talk about the ways in which life changes after having a baby, but they tend to do so at a surface level, specifically in regard to marriage. I'd like to talk about it more deeply, while offering some strategies and exercises that can be done to help reconnect you and your significant other.
1. Sex
Let's start off by talking about the enormous pink elephant in the room: SEX! Ugh- where to begin...
I think we need to start off by talking about sex realistically and in general. Sex tends to be romanticized by what you see on TV and in movies. We see dramatic love scenes filled with intense passion and then place ourselves in a position of comparison.
In reality, sex is not always passionate and love-filled. Sometimes it's quick. Sometimes we don't want to have it. Sometimes it seems like a chore. Sometimes it spontaneous. Sometimes its planned. Sometimes it's everything we've ever dreamed it could be and more.
In my opinion, the goal should not be to have "movie-like" sex, but to have sex that satisfies you and your partner, not only physically, but emotionally as well. And frankly, all of the sex scenarios mentioned above can do that.
Sex after baby is an entirely different ball game. It's everything mentioned above PLUS you don't have as much time for each other PLUS the time you do have with each other, you would rather sleep not to mention that for whoever (if one of you) carried the baby has her own set of emotions going on.
As a mother who carried her child: MY BODY IS NOT THE SAME AS IT WAS BEFORE BABY. And I'm not afraid to say it. Things shift, move around, inflate and deflate. Think about it, for some adults, they've been insecure about their body for their entire lives. For a woman who was carrying a child, her body changes in a matter of minutes. And she doesn't have enough time to shower, let alone come to terms with said changes. The thought of getting back into bed with her partner can be dreadful.
What to do:
1. Communication is key!
Have an open conversation with your partner about the general changes you have noticed and exactly how those changes are making you feel. Expressing your feelings is -almost- guaranteed to help you feel better- or at least not alone. It's important that your partner hear you and understand what you're going through. If they have heard what you are experiencing, they are more likely to empathize with your feelings and hopefully validate you. Reassurance is also nice, too!
2. Make the time.
I know that some people have mixed feelings about scheduling sex. But I'm all for it. Sure, I want the spontaneous, earth shattering sex, too! But when it comes to reality, we have to be more practical about what's realistic for us at a particular point in time.
If we have a newborn who's up all hours of the night, I would imagine that the LAST thing on our minds when the baby is -finally- sleeping will be jumping each other's bones. But knowing that your mother in- law will be coming to get the baby to take him for a walk outside is the perfect opportunity to plan for some one on one time.
2. Speaking of communication...
Communicate! I've heard people reference finances as the most common challenge in relationships. I would counter that thought with the idea that communication is the most common challenge in relationships. Think about it: if we could effectively communicate about finances, would they really be an issue?
What to do:
1. "Check In" with each other.
This is something that can be done within 15 seconds or less (although it can certainly be more in depth is you'd prefer). Tricia and I went to couple's counseling a few years back. (Yeap! Even therapist can be sh**ty communicators at times!)
While in couple's therapy, we learned the skill of checking in with each other, and it's still something that we use today. It's a super quick way to connect with your partner when there's no time to connect. I would encourage each couple to come up with their own method of how they'll check in. (Thumbs up, thumbs down, rating how you feel on a 1-5 scale). Tricia and I tend to use a feeling word: stressed, excited, anxious, content.
If you don't have time, you don't need to get into the "why"- you can save that for later during the download. See below.
2. Schedule time to download each other.
By downloading, I mean have more in depth conversations. Again, getting sleep is like winning the lottery when you're a new parent. But try to carve out time for it to just be the two of you, where you can catch up on things: parenting struggles, tomorrow's schedule, how much you miss each other, your individual feelings about being a new parent-everything and anything.
One of the most crucial ways remain connected is by feeling that your partner is in tune with what you're feeling, thinking or experiencing. And visa versa. You don't want to let this fall down on your priority list.
3. Flirty Texts
So I'm not necessarily talking about "sexting" here, although that works too! Instead I mean to revert to some of the things you used to do when you were dating, that we tend to stop once we've been married for awhile.
For example: sending a text that says "I miss you and I can't wait to see you later.", can go a LONG WAY. This is just another way to communicate to your partner that you are thinking about them, and that you care about them - even though the new little human in your world is taking up 110% of your time.
4. Non-Verbal Communication
The list below is a few ideas or gestures that can be done to communicate with your partner without needing to say a word.
- leave a short love note
- buy your partner flowers
- pick up their favorite take-out
- draw them a bath
- let them sleep in or take a nap
Sometimes actions can speak a lot louder than words. Sometimes people have a hard time communicating verbally. These are ways in which you can be creative with expressing your love.
3. Try to be "normal" again.
About 4 days after giving birth to Rowan, my mom looked at Tricia and I and ordered us to get out of the house and go to Target. And I mean ORDERED. This wasn't a suggestion. I felt like I was 7 again and she was telling me to clean my room.
I remember being panicked. How could I leave? I'm nursing him, what if he get's hungry while I'm gone? What if anything in the world happens that we should be here for??????
She wouldn't take no for an answer. So we went to Target. And it was wonderful.
We walked slowly into and around the store (I was still recovering from giving birth). We browsed, we picked a couple things up, we held hands, we talked about Rowan, we giggled. We were US. No baby, no feeding schedule, not dodging spit up- just US.
My mom taught us a lesson that day: that no matter what Tricia and I would always be, and would always have, US.
What to do:
1. Schedule Normalcy Dates
When it comes to date night, especially when you have children, we tend to try and be extravagant when we finally get the chance to go out as a couple. While that is wonderful, I also encourage you to do the things you used to do pre-baby. Walk the dog, go to the grocery store and out to dinner, go see a movie in sweat pants. The quality of your time together is not always dependent on how much money you'll be spending or the outfit you'd wear.
Relationships are NOT EASY. They truly take work, dedication, compassion and understanding. They are not always fun. And you won't always be happy. But just like most other things, you will likely get out of your relationship what you put into it. I hope this post gives you a starting off point to doing just that.
Now enough reading- go connect with your person! :)
